


Chamomile

by duster



Category: Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Depression, Hurt/Comfort, Recovery, small mentions of loss of memory, soriel if you want
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-26
Updated: 2016-03-26
Packaged: 2018-05-29 04:40:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,049
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6359668
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/duster/pseuds/duster
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sans has another bad night, but instead of talking to his brother, he turns to another friend.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Chamomile

**Author's Note:**

> it's kinda really cool how many people can relate to sans, and also sad. but i think it's a good thing for me (and perhaps others?) to explore this kind of thing. i feel like i understand what im going through more when i write and using sans as an example idk im rambling sorry.
> 
> also i rlly want to explore sans & toriel's relationship because they are amazingly cute.
> 
> (my lil oneshots are turning into kinda a collection? maybe i'll gather them into one soon)

He can’t sleep again. It isn’t because he’s scared. He definitely wasn’t scared of sleeping. It was because he was trying hard to remember.

Normally, that’d be something he’d not try to do. Why remember the times where you died over and over? Or when you watched everyone die before you? Or the memories of blood on your hands and a scream clawing its way out of your throat? These were, normally, things he’d try to forget.

But this time, this time. He was trying to remember.

It was fading from his memories. The first few runs. He couldn’t remember them. He didn’t know what happened. Was the kid good originally? Had they reset early? He couldn’t remember and it was driving him crazy.

He pondered this for a while. Why did it make him feel so…at loss? He felt like he needed to know these things. It felt like if he couldn’t remember…he would be nothing. If he was forgetting the early runs did that mean he’d eventually forget it all entirely? Would that set him up to be just like every other monster? Oblivious to the Resets and the Shifts in time? Would he even care? Would he just end up another cog in the machine?

It was haunting him. He realized it was because he had made memory of the Resets, and the human, his focus. It was what he was determined to work against and towards. That, and his brother of course. But inevitably, it all was focused upon keeping track of the timelines and what the human was doing differently. He had made it who he was. It was a part of him.

He sat up in his bed shook the blankets off of him. He reached for his cell phone on his bed and stared at the blinding light that it emitted. He was awake, but so, so tired. His mind was picking itself apart and haunting things came to mind that he desperately wanted to ignore.

They told him he’d forget it all. He’d be a blank slate and the kid would be uninterested. They would probably end up resetting again. Or, they would continue and he’d change completely. Maybe he’d be happy finally. But what was his purpose other than to remember? He couldn’t think of anything else. Nothing worth striving towards.

He focused on the phone in his hands and stared hard at the contacts on his phone. He selected one and was brought to the text screen. There he froze. He hated doing this. He hated asking for help and being a burden. He just felt so close to giving into the thoughts and falling apart. It felt comforting to go back and just wallow in the pointlessness of life. It was safe there and he knew what was to be expected. Changing was so hard. Everything was a step, but it felt like leaps and bounds to get anywhere.

He felt the phone slip from his grip. It fell to the bed and lay still. The contact was blinking at him. The screen dimmed and then faded to black. He stared at it still, wrestling with his thoughts. He needed someone to talk to, but this felt like he was bringing someone else down with him. No one would want to listen to him in the dead of night like this. But he would go back, and he couldn’t do that. This was good, it was better to open up than keep it locked inside. And yet, it was all so terrifying.

His hands gripped at his skull before he growled and swiped his phone up and jammed the call button before he could think any further. Once it was in his hands and ringing, he started to clam up. What was he doing? Why did he think this was a good idea? He couldn’t talk to anyone. This was bad he should just –

“Sans?” A soft, drowsy voice whispered in his ear.

“T-Tori I–“ His breath hitched and he forced himself to take a deep breath. He closed his eyes. There was a pause, but Toriel was patient. Finally, “I’m having a bad night.”

There was some noise from the other end and Sans held his breath. “What do you need?”

Sans clutched at his femur and wracked his brain for an answer. What did he need? What would help him right now? He didn’t even know. But anything seemed better than being alone, in the dark.

“Can I come over?” He said.

“Of course,” she said.

It took a minute for him to get to Toriel’s home, off the beaten path in the secluded forest away from the city. She was used to the privacy of the Ruins, and in all honesty, she preferred it to the bustling city life. Having Frisk grow up away from commotion was another bonus.

Though it only took a minute for him to get there, he stood outside the door for a few more minutes longer than necessary. Once again, the fear of admitting things and going to someone for help was getting to him. He felt an urge to just take a shortcut out of here and tell her he fell asleep. He could handle it on his own he was sure.

But there was a glowing light behind the curtains. He felt his soul long for the presence of another. His mind took a backseat as he raised his fist and gently knocked on the door.

It opened in seconds.

“Sans,” Toriel sounded surprised, though she knew it was him. “I’ll be honest, I wasn’t sure if you would actually come.”

Sans shuffled awkwardly in the doorway and gave a weak grin. “Neither did I.”

She gestured him to come inside and he did, following behind her quietly with his nerves on fire. He didn’t bother taking off his slippers or jacket, just walked over to the dim fire and lamps that were lit in Toriel’s living room.

The former queen entered the kitchen and came back with two mugs. She handed one to Sans. It was so warm in his grip.

“Thanks, Tor’, I was chilled to the bone out there,” he took a sip and discovered it was some kind of herbal tea.

“Chamomile,” she stated. “Soothes the nerves.”

Sans laughed awkwardly and stared at the tea in his mug. Though he had gotten this far, he was hit with the sudden realization that this was a Bad Idea.

He spun on his heels and placed his mug on a side table.

“Thanks but I don’t want to keep you awa–“

“Sans you need to stay,” Toriel said firmly.

The skeleton turned to look back at her meekly. He watched as her face changed from disappointed and frustrated to concerned and forgiving.

“I’m sorry, Sans. But you need this. Please don’t run.”

Indecision raged in his mind. This was a Bad Idea it was never good to be vulnerable. It would be like pulling teeth. Did he really want to be honest like this? To her? He shook his head and clenched his fists. Slowly, he raised his head and looked her in the eyes.

“I’ll stay,” he said as firmly as he could manage. _It’s worth it_ , his mind whispered to him.

Toriel smiled and sat down on the couch. Sans followed suit and grabbed his tea again, taking another sip. They drifted into soft silence. The wind was blowing outside and the fire crackling. Sans could feel his fears fall into the background as he sat on the couch and admired the upholstery.

“Why did you want to be here, Sans?” Toriel broke the silence.

He placed the mug in his lap and breathed out.

“I wanted to be in your fine company?” Toriel glared at him and he raised a hand in defense. “Ok, yeah, I – just wanted to be separated from it all.”

“What all?”

“The stuff in my head,” he gestured in the air around him and sighed. “It gets bad at night. Nothing to distract myself, y’know?”

The wizened mother nodded sagely. “Yes, I know.”

They both drank some tea. Sans fidgeted.

“I feel…” he paused and then frowned. “We’ve been through this many times, Tori.”

She looked away from the fire and stared at him with wide eyes. It was rare for him to mention anything to do with the timelines. It wasn’t something he discussed freely. He preferred to think it was something brushed under the rug even though he had given everyone close the truth behind why he was so ‘screwed up’. Toriel hadn’t heard him speak of the Resets since then. She had hoped he had spoken to his brother, at least. But no one wanted to push him. Maybe patience had finally rewarded her.

“This whole…thing. The song and dance. But I’ve…I’ve never made it this far before.”

Sans set his tea on the coffee table and wrung his hands together.

“This is all so new to me, Tori. It’s…uncomfortable. Not knowing what’s going to happen next. Kinda frightening, really. Hard to get used to making plans and knowing things are gonna happen and it’s not all just gonna Reset again,” he sighed deeply and shrugged. “We’ve gotten to the Surface so many times. But it’s been a year here. And I’m still stuck. Do you know what I’m saying?”

“I can’t begin to understand what you’ve been through, Sans,” Toriel began. “Putting myself in your shoes, or slippers I guess,” she smiled. “It’s hard to believe it all. But I think I’m starting to understand it more. You can’t do this on your own anymore, can you?”

He felt like she was looking at his soul, like it was bare before her. He shivered. This was his step, his next step. He needed to take it and he needed to trust. He felt his teeth clench and fear welled up once more. He closed his eyes and berated his mind for being so weak. He was just trying to formulate something in response when he felt soft paws gather him up. His eyes flashed open in surprise and he watched in awe as Toriel lifted him from his seat and pulled him into her arms. She held him there so warmly. He was cocooned in safety.

“You are safe here, Sans. You don’t have to be afraid of me, I’ll be here for you every step of the way.”

Sans stared at her in shock as the words processed in his numb brain. He slowly turned and wrapped his arms around Toriel’s body and held on tight as she pulled him closer.

He felt his wall begin to crumble.

“I’m so afraid of losing everything,” Sans whispered to her frantically. “I’m scared of the Resets, of Frisk, of memories, even of forgetting those memories. I don’t know what I am without this…weight on me. I don’t know if I’ll be anyone if I change. I’m scared, Tori and I don’t know what to do.”

Toriel clutched him tight.

“It’s okay to be scared. Just don’t forget that there are those that love you out there. We are all here for you. We don’t like seeing you fighting this on your own.”

Sans chuckled half-heartedly. “I’m such a bone-head.”

Toriel laughed with him. “But you are _my_ bone-head.”

They held each other like that until the fire crackling dimmed and the embers were all that were left, glowing weakly in the ash. The sun was peaking behind the curtains, opening up a new warmth to the world. The world was starting anew. And it felt like Sans was as well.

When he would awake he’d apologize for being an emotional mess but he’d thank Toriel for her encouragement and for her time. He’d return home before Frisk awoke and find Papyrus cooking breakfast frantically, worrying. They would eat breakfast together and laugh and put each other at ease.

This was another step into recovery and there would be many more. But for now, he would enjoy the moment, knowing that Toriel was out there and that she would be there for him whenever he needed her.

But before that happened, he’d be wrapped in Toriel’s arms, safe and secure.


End file.
